Suffering

Apparently, suffering creates character and perseverance. Maybe that's why it's so damn hard! Of course, there's different sorts of suffering. There's physically demanding suffering such as running, especially long-distance. I would argue that it is much more painful than sprinting. You sprint 100m, and then it's over. But running for miles and miles, at a relatively fast pace, is one of the most painful things I've ever done. And then you throw in the hills! That's when you wish you could die, and I'm dead serious (no pun intended).

Of course, this sort of pain is preferred over emotional pain. If I had to pick an emotion that hurts the most, I would choose sadness. Sadness creates a deep ache inside of you, that you can literally feel inside your chest/body. As in depression, it can literally cripple or disable you from living out your life. Although it is not a positive emotion (except in cases when it is deserved), anger can motivate you to act, but not always in a healthy way. However, I believe it does not cause you to withdraw within yourself...although it may cause others to draw away from you!

Psychological suffering is closely related to emotional suffering. I suppose depression could fit under this category, depending on the situation it arises from. Perhaps this could include problems from the past, that contribute to suffering in the present. Perhaps diseases that affect the mind could be included under here such a bipolar and schizophrenia.

And then there is physical suffering in the form of disabilities, injuries, and poverty. The individual lives in a state of constant pain, whether from it results from difficulties walking or from lack of food, hunger pains.

Everyone suffers to some extent. We all experience hardships and injustices at the hands of others or from the hand life deals us. This world is hard, I won't deny that. If you're rich, maybe you're lonely. If you're surrounded by friends and others who care, perhaps you struggle to make ends meet. But that time of perseverance can teach us something. Maybe that loneliness pushes us to do things we might not have done, that time of need teaches us to trust in a God who really does care about our well-being. It's what we do with that suffering that reveals who we really are. Victor E. Frankl said in his best-selling book, Man's Search for Meaning, that,

We must never forget that we may also find meaning in life even when confronted with a hopeless situation, when facing a fate that cannot be changed. For what then matters is to bear witness to the uniquely human potential at its best, which is to transform a personal tragedy into a triumph, to turn one's predicament into a human achievement. When we are no longer able to change a situation--just think of an incurable disease such as inoperable cancer--we are challenged to change ourselves."

This came from a man who survived the concentration camps in WWII, including Auschwitz. Furthermore, I think we can contribute to the lessening of suffering, by loving, by giving, and by living authentic lives. I think an authentic life looks outward, rather than consistently inward, as our society is prone to do. Yes, it is useful to know oneself, but it is honorable to use that "knowing" to help others. I think so often it's "me, me, me" including myself, especially myself. After all that focus on ourselves, what are we left with? We're left with "me." The truth is, friendships must be reciprocal, and not one-sided. I think we all have difficulty remaining friends with a narcissistic person, because we want to be loved and cared for too.

Wonderings

I've been feeling kind of down, off and on, the past month or so. I haven't really let on why to most people but I am just having this huge internal struggle with myself. I have so many questions, frustrations, and wonderings as to where I will be and where I will go in the next couple years. And as I wonder and struggle I start to think thoughts that are not true but do bring you down. Thoughts that maybe there is no plan for me. I'm not special and I won't find something that fits me right. Where is my place?? I feel like I've looked into so many things, always discarding plan after plan, idea after idea. Sometimes I feel like I'm bound up, trying to get free but not being able to escape constraints around me. Constraints that I put on myself, constraints on how I think others see me, and constraints of my society and the world I live in. This is my pain right now, what plagues me, what I am constantly thinking about.

I'm not going to be a sideliner

Ow! my face hurts....that's the benefits of being a swimming teacher...being in the water more hours than someone would want to, even for fun. But it pays tuition....and that's all that counts I guess.

Also, this is my second blog in a month, which is impressive, considering we all stopped blogging a long time ago. I am listening to Christopher Parkening: A Bach Celebration. I have to say it is amazing!! I will never be sick of it which is quite astonishing since I have been hearing this arrangment since I can't remember. My dad played it in the car all the time when I was younger. A lot younger, like 10 years ago or more.

I have been thinking about what I want to do with my life for a very long time. Since I was possibly 11 years old. I think my first idea was a librarian, my only basis for this reasoning being that I loved to read. I could think of nothing better than to spend my time amongst that which brought me great joy. As a sidenote, it still bring me great joy but not enough to be a librarian. Then I wanted to be a psychologist. Just the word itself was interesting. Then I considered being a youth pastor. That apparently was another phase. I then switched back to Psychology. Then I wanted to be a concert pianist. Then I thought about being a missionary. Then a naturopathic doctor. Then a psychologist....this seems to be a recurring thing for me. I still am not decided but have come to the conclusion that this is alright. I will eventually get there but it will take some intiative on my part. I have decided I dislike the question, " do you know what you want to do with your life?" I admit that I ask people that all the time. You always end up doing a whole bunch of different things with your life. A lifetime can be a long time for some people and to know what you want to do with all of that is a pretty monumentous question.

One thing I know I don't want to be is a sideliner. I don't want to be one of those people who stands by and watches the world, as the audience and not the actor. I don't want to be someone who admires people but never thinks that I have the potential to make a difference as they are. I don't want to be someone who looks at who I am now and thinks because of that I can never be like that person or never do as great of things as they can. I want to seize my moment. I don't want to be a person of bad character and committing acts of evil, but I also don't want to be someone who is afraid to step out and stop being invisible. Being visible can be scary. As we step out and stand up, we need to realize that life won't always be perfect. Just because we stand up for God doesn't mean we will always be clothed, have a full belly, or be safe. Look at those who stood up for GOd and who were eaten by lions. Sometimes moving from invisibility to visibility means death! but we can we know we are always moving towards God and His love whatever we do, it we are following after God's heart. This is what is on my mind right now. Make life happen, don't stand still and let it happen to you!

-Jesus promised his disciples three things-that they would be completely fearless, absurdly happy, and in constant trouble.-

G.K. Chesterton
British Writer and Apologist
1874-1936

The Western World

Sometimes I struggle with something. Sometimes I put it to the back of my mind and try to ignore my part in this struggle. This struggle is my incompetence at being a Christian at times. I also am very frustrated with they way we people are in North America. Very few people discuss religious beliefs. The conversations I've had with people are very limited. We make religion such a touchy subject. I realize that this is probably the case in many countries. But the thing is, I know that everyone thinks about this and struggles with it sometime in their life, maybe they do continuously. So why is it so off limits? Why does everyone suddenly get uncomfortable when the topic comes up? I think it's because each person thinks their own world view is right. And when we talk about it we're trying to convince the other that our world view is the only way to go.

A question I've been thinking about lately is, " how much do you believe in your god/religion that you would die for it? are you that sold on it? Or are you believing it because you need to feel secure, you want to feel safe that you know what's going to happen to you when your life ends? Do you believe that this religion is the answer for the world? Do you believe it can change the sorry condition, the sin condition of people?"

I read stories of the underground church and I see their fervency for the Gospel to be spread, their willingness to die for it. I see the purity and realness of their faith. And I think how many of us in Western Churches are like that? Is that why we belive we're here on this earth? To spread the gospel? Why aren't we continuing to strive to be more pure, strive to be more like Jesus? Are we willing to put our reputations, our securities, our lives on the line for what we believe. Or are we like everyone else? And I struggle with this in my own life. It haunts me, there's something more I need to be. If I believe in Jesus Christ with everything, why doesn't my life show it? I want to share this quote from a Jesus Freaks Book. V2. This passage is one that makes me feel sad at my lack of conviction for not sharing Christ with everyone I meet. If I had done that, who knows it there may have been more Christians in the world right now?

"What encourages us to preach the gospel in captive nations is that there those who become Christians are full of love and zeal. I have never met one single lukewarm Russian Christian. Former young Communists become exceptional disciples of Christ.....
Whoever has known the spiritual beauty of the undergroudn church cannot be satisfied anymore with the emptiness of some Western churches.....
One out of every five people in the world live in Communist China, where thousands of Christians evangelize without "permission." Persecution has always produced a better Christian, a soul winnning Christian. Communist persecution has backfired and produced serious, dedicated Christians such as are rarely seen in free lands. These people cannot understand how anyone can be a Christian and not want to win every soul they meet....
These millions of dedicated, true and fervent believers in the lay church have been purified by the very fires of persecution which the Communists hoped would destroy them......
In a letter smuggled out secretly, the underground church said, " we don't pray to be better Christians, but that we may be the only kind of Christians God meant us to be: Christlike Christians, that is, Christians who bear willingly the cross for God's glory."

Richard Wurmbrand
Founder of Voice of the Martyrs
Spent Fourteen Years in a Communist Prison
Romania
1940's. 50's, and 60's

I have a question!!!

and this is my question. What happened to blogging? I used to love blogging and wasting numerous hours writing them and reading others while posting my thoughts on what they had written. I miss it. Has Facebook taken over? I don't think it should have. Blogging is a lot more personal and a lot more informing about your life. facebook is cool but let's not let blogging die out! I will try to write more blogs.

So....let's see, what is new with my life?? My new current life plan is getting a Bachelor of Science at the U of S. I am not quite sure what that major will be, maybe anatomy and cell biology or food science. Maybe Microbiology, who knows?? Then after that I would possible like to go to Toronto or B.C. to get a four-year degree in Natureopathic medicine. For anyone who is curious about what the heck that is, it is a natural form of medicine using acupuncture, homeopathy, and stuff like that. So this year I am taking two classes at the U of S, Psych 110 and Sociology 110 and taking a bunch of high school classes online through cyber school. The subjects will include math, physics, chemistry, and biology. So this year will be kind of busy. This is my plan as of now but I seem to change my mind every couple months so we will see how far I am along on this plan by next year. It kind of scares me actually. It's scary because I really want to help people be healthier and help them with health conditions and stuff but I don't really know if I like science that much. So I guess this is my deciding year to see if I even remotely like it. Or even next year. And I guess sometimes it's about doing what you have to do to get to where you want to. It's also scary because I would have to go away in four years and this school is really expensive. Like 20,000 Canadian dollars a year expennsive. part of me is like, where is that coming from even with student loans? There's something I hate about myself and that's this desire to be ahead or at least be neck and neck with the people my own age. I feel like I had a late start with taking a year off and then having to go back to high school. i really don't like this quality in myself and I am trying very hard to change. Partly because I just dont' want to worry. I worry way too much. i think it's unhealthy. like anxiety problems. My plans will go nowhere without God. I think I need to let God take the worry a lot of the times. because I plan and plan and plan and get really upset about stuff that I don't know anything about yet. That I dont' even know will turn out or not. And I think of the varying possibilities for everything. That makes for a lot of thinking. And I know I joke about it and others do, and sometimes it is funny. but sometimes it's really hard and really scary and overwhelming.

On a lighter note.........I went to NPYC this year and it was a blast. It really sucked that I had to miss all the years before. I caught my first fish, went on some crazy tube rides, made a few new friends and bonded more with the old ones. Played the most painful, insane, but awesome game called Armeggedon and I can't wait to play it again next year! And most importantly, sought the presence of God. I really want to seek God's presence like that on my own time. but I experienced God in an insane way and in those moments i wonder how anyone could say that God doesn't exist when you can see him and feel him moving so powerfully. Okay, well that's my blog for this week. I'll try to update next week!

1 Cor. 13

Before I right down some of my thoughts i want to clarify something from the last blog I wrote a couple weeks ago. When I was talking about different demoninations and the different beliefs what I meant to say is, I know there is one God and the same God for all who believe. What I was trying to get through in this blog was that sometimes we as people come across like what we believe is right and that's that and sometimes it's LIKE we think that we believe is the absolute truth and that's what God wants for everyone. I know that didn't make a WHOLE lot of sense but I wanted to clarify that I do not think that there is a different God for every different demonination. I believe in one God who created the earth and sent his Son Jesus Christ to die for us. Okay now that we got that sorted out I am moving on!!


So I started memorizing 1 Corinthians 13 this week. I partly started it because of this game we always play at Generation Church and Youth group. I can't remember what the game is called but in one of them we had to name 10 different descriptions of love in 1 Cor. 13, so that was my first motivation. And then I really started meditating on it. Am I really living out this description of love in my life? If love never fails, if love keeps no record of wrongs.......why am I not living my life more and more like this?? So I really started thinking about this and evaluating even some of the decisions I had made that week. If love is the greatest out of faith and hope (not to say these aren't very, very important)....am I putting a big focus on love in my life. The parts that really struck me about this chapter is the one where it lists off all the descriptions of love.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

LOVE NEVER FAILS.

Wow. If we are all trying to strive to live our lives like this everyday, our lives would be so much more powerful. This is my goal. I will fail, I can promise you that. I am not perfect. But I felt convicted about some things this week in friendships. maybe wanting it to be a little more about me, only giving if I was getting something back. But love is not self-seeking, it is thinking about the other person. In my relationships with people, with friends, and family, I am looking for something very real. I am looking for trust, patience, and to be treated like I matter. All descrpitions of love right? I am looking for real love. Not something fake. isn't that what we all crave and want? But most of all we are all looking for a real relationship with someone who will always love us and never let us down. But the only one who can give us that is God. So I also realize even people in my closest relationships are not going to be perfect either. They're going to let me down. And that's where grace comes in. For them and for me. But also I need to learn to turn to God more because He will never let me down.

Well, it's 2:23 am precisely. And so those are some more of my scattered thoughts.

April 30th

Did you ever feel like you were running away from your worst fear? ignoring it and shoving the thoughts away every time they came? And sometimes I feel I am afraid to conquer it for fear of it overcoming me. There are so many things I don't understand and so many things that make me sad. I don't understand why God's church divides and divides and when we don't think there could be any more demoninations there are. Even when we disagree on almost everything, why is He still there amongst the various differences? He still honours our love for Him and His love that He has for the world. And how do we everknow what is right or whose interpretation is right? And what do we believe out of ignorance, pride, or what we think God wants us to do? An even harder question, what do I believe out of ignorance, or pride, or what I think God wants me to do? I know these are all very important and valid questions but I feel that for some, I will never have an answer. I've never been so frustrated, scared, confused, and hurt over anything else in my life. There's just so many questions that my mind and soul are confused about. People keep telling me things but who am I supposed to believe? I know I need to believe God but the God of who? We create so many different God (s) it seems. The God of the Catholics, the God of the Baptists, the God of the Lutherans, the God of the Pentecostals and so on and so forth. what hurst the most is that I know I' not done with this issue in my life. I feel like I've just shoved it down so far because I cna't deal with all the questions in my mind and I hate it. Sometimes I just want to scream "God why? Is this going to plague me for the rest of my years? Am I ignoring what the truth really is?" Like the atheist who tries to explain away their belief that God does not exist but ends up contradicting themselves and going around in circles. In a different sense, sometimes I feel that is my predicament, I don't know.

Maybe some of you know what I'm talking about. And you just think I'm stupid for even thinking some of this. There's not even a question in your mind. maybe there isn't in yours. But there is in mine and until I can defend it and feel okay about it then that question will still be there. It doesn't consume me like it used to, but it's still there nagging at that back of my mind. Maybe not all of it but some of it. I hate it. It's like I can defend against any other position apologeticwise, comparing the Christian faith to whatever....naturalism, JW's, Mormon's, but this is harder. because it's so close it's annoying but different. Anyways, this didn't make even a little bit of sense but I had to get it out.